Let me explain…

See I’m a pisces and as a pisces I have a tendency to feel all the things pretty much all the time. I’m also a vivid dreamer and can create entire worlds and fantasies inside my head. With this creativity comes one major problem – I’m a classic over-thinker.

I will think my way into and out of situations that have never even happened. That probably makes me sound completely off my rocker, but if another fellow pisces is reading this, they know 100% what I mean.

I often think through entire scenarios with people and decide, based on that imagining, that I will or will not bring things up with them. For example, in relationships I often over think whether or not I want to bother someone with a feeling or emotion I’m having, especially if I think that feeling might hurt their feelings and/or cause them to leave me.

So I’ll think through the different scenarios that could occur. Notice I said “could” occur, meaning they NEVER ACTUALLY HAPPENED. Will someone tell my Pisces brain that please?!

It’s an irrational way of operating. I fight my hardest to get out of that mindset and that way of thinking, but I don’t always succeed. One thing can send me on a whirlwind of a journey inside my head, at the end of which, I’m left worse than before.

So how do you stop that from happening? How do I stop the irrational thought processes from happening. I used to drink. Seriously, I’d numb my brain so I literally COULDN’T think anymore.

When life would get tough, I would grab a drink. So now I’ve been having to actually HAVE THOSE THOUGHTS. WTF! Who operates like this?!?!?! Oh….most people do. Stop complaining Nicole!

For the first time, I’m having to sit with a lot of feelings that make me uncomfortable, sad, frustrated, hopeless…it gets especially awful at night.

I’ve had to figure out how to cope. I go for long walks. I take hot showers. I write. I create art. I listen to endless amounts of music. I cry and sometimes I even scream at the top of my lungs.

All of this has been a struggle but still better then the alternative. I’ll admit, I’m still very much struggling with getting a hold of my runaway thoughts. It’s probably why I’m still pinning over an ex-boyfriend and I can’t seem to get over him. I’m still re-living parts of our relationship and trying to dissect what went wrong and how I could’ve been a better partner. It’s probably why I still relive the trauma that happened to me when I was married and how stupid I feel for staying in that relationship. It’s probably why I drank myself stupid for so many years trying NOT TO FEEL.

But it’s not all bad. My brain also has the ability to create some pretty fantastical fantasies. It’s why I can write so well. It’s why my story telling abilities are better. It’s why I can sometimes escape reality and create positive head spaces where I win instead of lose.

My brain has the ability to create greatness along with sadness. I don’t always get to choose which part I’m going to experience on any given day, but I do keep trying. It’s all I can really do.